oracne - Victoria Janssen (oracne) wrote,
oracne - Victoria Janssen

in which I feel like a failure

I've been pretty okay with the confidence thing at the gym. I mention that because my gym is mostly full of students who are very fit, with a smaller proportion of older people, most of them fit but some of us much less so. Though I just started gym-going a few months ago, I'm feeling pretty good about myself, and proud that I'm managing to keep it up.

I've been thinking about Pilates for a long while. The method has extra attraction since it was invented during World War One! I have a basic book and a basic DVD, which I finally began looking at once I started this gym thing. A few weeks ago, I watched the DVD for the first time and was profoundly discouraged for a day or so because it was just too complicated for me. I couldn't do all of the positions because I can't hold my knees to my chest - I'm too plump! Also, I've never been good with physical choreography. I don't pick up dance steps ever; it takes me many, many repetitions to even learn the simplest line dance, and they don't stick in my memory. Which of course means I rarely make the attempt, even though I love to watch dancing.

I hoped it might be better in a live class. My goal was to find out if I was far enough along that I could sign up for a regular class and get the most out of it. Could I make it through a whole class, even?

I've been preparing for a while, making sure to do some core exercises most times I go to the gym.

It wasn't enough. I still have the same issues: can't take all the positions, can't follow the instructions quickly enough. It was all compounded by taking a free class full of very young, fit women who'd all done Pilates before, with a teacher who spoke very, very quickly.

I made it through. I did the exercises to the best of my ability, and I wasn't physically dying at the end; I could feel it in my abdominal area, but I wasn't at all incapacitated. I just felt like crap inside. Like a failure. I went on the elliptical afterwards, to see if I could accomplish anything, but only managed five minutes at about half the intensity I usually use (30 minutes at level 8). I was so depressed I went straight home and read a book for the rest of the evening.

No gym today, as I've now been two days in a row and am too stiff.

Logically, I know I did my best. Emotionally, I still feel horrible. Logically, I know that what I need to do is book an individual instructor who will go at my pace and give me feedback and what I'm doing wrong and, just as importantly for me, what I'm doing right.

The individual instructor is available, though it costs. I'll be thinking about that this summer. I know it would be good for me. I know from my experience with the trainers that one-on-one works for me. Fall is when I'll decide (that's when I would have taken a class).

Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow when I go back to my usual gym routine. I have a novel to write.

Tags: gym, my life
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